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Dustin Luke Nelson: 100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record

January 19, 2009

An early draft of the recent White House release of “100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record” has recently been uncovered. After changing hands at many stages, and facing broad opposition this revealing document will finally be brought to light. It is believed that President Bush created the initial outline for the document, which in it’s final manifestation is 100 facts about the last eight years that cast his presidency in a flattering light. This early draft had bullet points filled in by White House interns, who appear to be more than ready for Tuesday to arrive.

100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record

KEPT AMERICA SAFE

– For more than seven years after September 11, 2001, prevented another attack on our homeland.

– Since Hurricane Katrina no other natural disaster has dared to leave tens of thousands homeless.

– Made sure that the decade old intelligence on WMDs in Iraq really was outdated, by invading the country and checking himself.

– While the liberal media may focus on issues like the disbanding of the Iraqi army, and the shrinking number of volunteers in the military, the Administration was making sure countries like Somalia would continue to not pose a threat to the homeland.

– Located Somalia on a map, once.

– Listened to your neighbors phone conversations so you didn’t have to.

– Protected the homeland from smokers and Wile E. Coyote by temporarily banning lighters on planes.

– Acknowledged, years after the fact, with a chuckle, that Mission Not-Accomplished.

– Appeased Conservatives by promising to do something about illegal immigration.

– Appeased Liberals by doing nothing.

PROMOTED LIBERTY ABROAD

– Ensured that America would be safe through a well thought out invasion of Iraq. While many critics may find errors in the war plan, a war longer than American involvement in World War II was necessary to ensure a thorough spreading of Democracy.

– For more than seven years after September 11, 2001, prevented another attack on our homeland.

– Made sure that NATO knew who was Decider-in-Chief.

– Restricted torture of potential terrorists to prisons in Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo, in countries we aren’t trying to be cordial with anyway.

– Created a coalition of over 90 countries to fight terrorism abroad, the majority of which never gave troops and later abandoned the operation when there were no WMDs.

Attended the Beijing Olympics. While many leaders and social radicals felt that supporting a country that was supplying the militias responsible for the genocide in Darfur and creating more harmful emissions than any other country was sending the wrong message, The President saw the opportunity for one more vacation.

– Refused to sign Kyoto Treaty in case other countries might suspect that he wasn’t taking a tough stance on terror.

HELPED MILLIONS OF PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD THROUGH A NEW APPROACH TO DEVELOPMENT

– Tried to bring peace to Gaza. Didn’t work. But he tried.

– Through his support of China hoped to let the world know that we wouldn’t stand for terrorism or genocide anywhere in the world. Not in Iraq, not in Darfur, not in The Republic of the Congo, not in Turkmenistan, not in Tibet, not in Zimbabwe, not in Somalia, not anywhere.

STRENGTHENED AMERICA’S INTERESTS AND ALLIANCES ABROAD

– Made good friends with Italian leader Silvio Berlusconi by greeting him in his native language. A firm handshake and a “Hola, amigo” cemented the firm bond between the two leaders this past summer.

– Afghanistan.

– Iraq.

– Guantanamo.

– Abu Ghraib.

– Made Tony Blair look liberal.

LOWERED TAXES, INSTITUTED PRO-GROWTH POLICIES, AND ADDRESSED ECONOMIC CHALLENGES

– If you make over $500,000 the government kept it’s hands off of your salary, and your private health care plan, and your investments in companies lending money to people who can’t afford it.

– Stuck to a “hands-off government” policy by removing oversight on lenders, so potential homeowners could get sub-prime loans to make their homes “more prime.”

– Through relentless tax cuts ensured that our crumbling infrastructure would remain that way for years to come.

– Learned how to balance a checkbook.

– When spending increasing amounts of money on the military he made sure to cut funding to schools, arts programs, and economic oversight.

– When spending increasing amounts of money on Bear Stearns, AIG, Fanny May, Freddie Mac, Citigroup, GM, Chrysler, and Ford he made sure to cut funding to schools, arts programs, and economic oversight.

REDUCED WASTEFUL SPENDING AND IMPROVED GOVERNMENT EFFECTIVENESS AND ACCOUNTABILITY

– Created a deficit greater than the combined deficit of all past presidents, in an effort to make the deficit “more prime.”

– Fired Mike Brown.

– Aided patriots like Alberto Gonzalez to make budget cuts everywhere there were budget cuts to be made.

– Was always sure to veto wasteful bills and cut the pork. When a bill came to his desk to insure all American children and give some Democratic leaning town a few park benches he knew just what to do with that red pen.

– Supplemented soldiers who require medical attention and other tax burdens by not providing the same benefits to the rest of “Coalition of the Willing,” which includes Haliburton and Blackwater USA.

IMPROVED EDUCATION FOR EVERY AMERICAN CHILD

– Made it easier for schools to fail publicly.

– Left No Child Left Behind behind.

– Is such an advanced reader that he can often be seen reading books to children upside down.

REFORMED MEDICARE AND ADDED A PERSCRITION DRUG BENEFIT

– The President made the headers and asked us to fill in the bullet points. We’re not sure that he actually did this yet. We’ll get back to you on this one, nothing is coming up on Google.

– Is the correct answer “tried to steal social security,” or maybe it’s “prescriptions drugs got more expensive during his presidency, and now I order my drugs from Canada?”

STRENGTHENED AMERICA’S HEALTH CARE SYSTEM

– Made 11th hour legislation to ensure that any doctor can refuse to serve a patient, for any reason.

– Promoted the importance of exercising through a recent reaction-time test run at an Iraqi press conference. The President was not informed prior to the news conference who would hurl the size 10 shoe from the galley.

– Promoted a new approach to health care by quitting drinking himself and “never” doing drugs.

IMPROVED LIVES BY ENGAGING FAITH-BASED ORGANIZATIONS AND PROMOTING VOLUNTEERISM

– Though many Americans seem keen to point out the striking number of volunteers President-elect Obama turned out during the campaign season, few remember the great volunteers of the Bush campaigns. Without the assistance of patriotic volunteers like Jeb Bush, President Bush may never have won office the first time.

– Installed justices to the Supreme Court with the same religious views and disdain for the outdated doctrines of the “Constitution” in order to help the entire nation better engage in a Christian lifestyle.

– Created the Patriot Act to protect our rights and traditions as a Christian country. God assured him that if Jesus were president he would sign the Patriot Act using the same voice he used when he said that the President should run for office.

PROVIDED UNPRECEDENTED RESOURCES FOR VETERANS

– There are many veterans who received medical attention. Ask one.

– No, not that one. How about the guy next to him.

– No?

– Raise your hand if you are a veteran and are satisfied with your medical coverage.

– You’re going to have to just trust us on this one.

SUPPORTED AMERICAN WORKERS BY INCREASING TRADE, JOB TRAINING, AND COMPETITIVENESS

– Helped American workers by making it easy for corporations to offer American jobs abroad.

– Reached across the aisle, creating new jobs within the government. The most successful of these policies was the creation of a fourth branch of government, which housed Dick Cheney in a secret underground bunker with an army of interns who spent the greater part of the last eight years shredding documents.

– Created more military jobs than any living president through the disbanding of the Iraqi army.

– Made sure the job market was as competitive as ever through the highest unemployment rate in nearly two decades.

SET A BRIGHT COURSE FOR AMERICA’S FUTURE

– Through great programs like No Child Left Behind the President showed the nation the importance of education, so that they may know exactly what a “misnomer” is.

– In fact, he loves misnomers of all kinds: Patriot Act, Decider, Vice President, Operation Iraqi Freedom, Mission Accomplished, etc.

– Proved the flaws inherent in the Legislative Branch when he convinced Congress that there were WMDs in Iraq based on intelligence that was a decade old and from a source code-named “Screwball.”

– Through making himself a political pariah he allowed Barack Obama to be elected the 44th President of the United States.

– Promoted the arts relentlessly through the creation of his Barney Productions Christmas film A Red, White, & Blue Christmas.

– Would have never considered Sarah Palin a legitimate choice for Vice President. He believed she never had the experience necessary to run the fourth branch of government.

– Expanded the powers of the Executive Branch to unparalleled levels to ensure that legislation could be passed without all of this messy “Congress” business.

– Proved he was a “uniter” by creating the most partisan atmosphere in recent memory.

– Had lowest approval rating in the history of presidential approval ratings. Wait, which header is this supposed to be under? Oh, fuck it, let’s do this again:

– For more than seven years after September 11, 2001, prevented another attack on our homeland.

CONFRONTED CLIMATE CHANGE THROUGH INNOVATION AND WITHOUT HARMING OUR ECONOMY

– Protected polar bears from global warming by delaying their inclusion as an endangered species until $2.7 billion were secured for offshore drilling in the Chukchi Sea, which provides shelter to 20% of the polar bears in the world.

– Freed many elusive creatures by hand, such as the elusive Vice Dickasaurus Rex.

– If there is no environmental legislation it’s hard to say it harmed the economy.

– Made sure that corporations like 3M and GM can continue to determine what makes water “drinkable” and air “breathable.”

– Provided 11th hour legislation to allow any government agency (like, say, the Federal Highway Administration) to determine if any development plans will actually “harm” an endangered species. This ensures that “big government” organizations like the EPA or Fish and Wildlife Services don’t need to get involved in environmental protection.

STOOD ON PRINCIPLE, REFUSED TO PUT OFF TOUGH DECISIONS, AND SHOWED THE WAY AHEAD

– Through his firm belief that all Americans are entitled to extended vacations he instituted Operation Auto-Pilot that allowed him to take more vacation days than any president in the history of the U.S. It also allowed other Americans, like Mike Brown, the opportunity to take their vacation time whenever they pleased.

– Despite many American’s memory of attacks on Democratic nominee John Kerry over so-called “flip-flopping,” the President learned the importance of this political gesture.

– Through a firm Christian belief in fellowship, friendship, and furorship he has promoted several friends into positions of great power.

– Was never really friends with Larry Craig.

– Even disappointed Karl Rove, at times.

– Is sure that history will look upon him differently than his contemporaries do. Currently, presidential historians have him ranked as the 43rd best president. Nowhere to go but up from here.

– Often found himself so immersed in tough decisions that he would come up with new words to more accurately assess the situation. He is credited with coining widely used terms such as “misunderestimate.”

ASSISTED IN AN UNPARALLELED PRESIDENTIAL TRANSITION

– Has thus far held back his tendency to hand out nicknames to everyone he meets with the President-elect.

– Thoughtfully left a shitty economy for President-elect Obama, just so he won’t get bored in his first term.

– Had a dog before he won the presidency. Barney, the first dog.

– Once held Barney in an inappropriate fashion. But vowed to never do it again.

– Made this list to try and take credit for a smooth presidential transition.

– Made his list of “100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record” unnumbered and essentially uncountable.

– Assisted Barack Obama in making his call for “change” the most inspiring thing Americans have heard in at least eight years.

Dustin Luke Nelson is a founding editor of InDigest Magazine. His writing and interviews can be found there and many other places online.

Read more blog entries from Dustin Luke Nelson and others at GUERNICA click HERE.

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