“This I do vow, and this shall ever be:”
–William Shakespeare, sonnet cxxiii
it was for tradition and it was for
extradition and it was for excess
and it was for nothingness and it
was for hazing and it was for haze
and it was for days when they’d tie
us to the fence and this was when
we were in the military and this
was when we weren’t in the military,
because when you get out you never
get out, because the fence is in us
and I never tied anyone to the fence
and the VES counselor jots this
down and I’m glad she jots this
down, because I am glad I never
tied anyone to the fence, no, I am
alive because I never tied anyone
to the fence, meaning I would have
killed myself if I’d have tied anyone
to the fence and I fought from being
tied to the fence and my disability
rating was just upped to seventy
percent because of the fight from
being tied to the fence, but either
way they have to take something
from you, whether or not they tie
you to the fence, and I spoke with
a survivor of torture who told me
the worst part wasn’t the torture
but was seeing others being tortured
and I think of seeing others tied
to the fence and the V.A. doctor
tells me one word, saying, torture,
after I told him what they did to us
or did to me or tried to do to me
or tried to try me or the one who
died during the hazing, just one,
and I think of him and he was
the same age as me, a teen, how
we were children then, really,
and a V.A. counselor told me
that when she deals with vets,
she treats it as child abuse, and
she said it’s because of how
young we were, and I think
of ‘we’ and I think of ‘fence’
and I think of ‘walls’ and I
think of ‘borders’ and I think
of ‘order’ and I think of ‘gas
masks’ and I think of ‘tied’
and I think of there being no
winner, and this was done
during desert winter, and was
done by people on our side
and I was more afraid of our
side than I was of the ‘other’
side and I was more afraid
of our side and when you
were tied to the fence, you
had all of these hours to just
think of how you volunteered
for this and you had all of these
flies on you to think of how
hot the sun is and you had all
of these sunburns to thank of
all of these erasers and you
have all of these tremors now
in your insomnia where you lie
on your bed and you think of
lying on fence and you think of
jungle or tropical or tundra of skin
and you think of their hands all
on your body and you think of
how kidnapping, legally, you
heard was taking a person more
than twenty-three feet against
their will and you don’t know
if this is true, but you know
the bodies were taken a half
of a football field at least out
to the fence and they’d duct
tape you to your chair, come
up from behind you, and this
was done for fun and this was
done for punishment and this
was done for boredom and this
was done for bonding and this
was done for bondage and this
was done forever and this was
done for everyone who was
stationed on the night shift,
because they only came at night,
or just before night, or on the week-
ends, or on holidays, when there
were less people there, when you
felt there was more safety, but
there wasn’t, because the fence
was there on Christmas and, yes,
the fence was there on Easter,
and, yes, it actually was called
‘crucifixion,’ what was done
to us, and this is all I have to say,
except to add that I could not speak
for years, except to add that I could
not feel fence for decades, except I
take ten showers per day, trying
to clean off the old rotten food
they poured on us, that I watched
poured on others, because they’d
make you watch, because skin
is inconvenience and my harsh
voice comes from the yelling for
help that makes me wake me, partners
leaving, the ghosts boring, the sky
wearing its belt, the darkness boring,
the E-4s hovering, the shadows bring
the inability to have laws on the other
side of the earth, how we were doing
bombings at the same time, and we
were doing bombings at the same time,
now we were doing bombings at the same
time as our wrists were kissing metal
with the passions of the dead.